Almost Normal

I met with my surgeon yesterday to discuss my mammogram 2 weeks ago. There is some "stuff" on there that is probably scar tissue from the surgery and radiation damage. Nothing major...it is what it is. I will have another mammogram so that these images become my new baseline...my new normal...and from those new normal images, all other images will be compared.

I had my port removed...HUGE STEP!

I'm in a little pain. After the lidocaine wore off yesterday, it really began to hurt. The surgeon had done the surgery in office, just numbing the area. She asked if I wanted pain meds but I hate the way they make me feel so I said no. Why is it that after the office closes you always wish you had taken the prescription...just in case. I took some tylenol and ibuprofen. Helped a little but the jabbing and stinging pain would shoot right through. My bandages are bloody and I don't know if that is normal or not. I'm not suppose to remove the bandages for 2 days but it seems that I should change it to a clean one. I think I will anyway.

So there it is. It feels like I've reached the pinnacle and that I'm on my way to getting back to living. No more monthly appointments to flush the port. No more sticks in order to flush. The thoughts may always be lurking in the back of my mind but they won't consume me daily...waiting for the next appointment. Yea, I'll have appointment every three months but I won't be checking that calendar weekly to see when the next one is...I'll know that it's a month or two away and won't have to worry about it.

Now...if I can my energy back. I still tire easily. I want to nap daily. I don't feel like being out and about all day. Going to the store...well, one is enough. I can't wait to feel energized again. Of course...I am 43 so maybe I won't :)

Remember...
Jesus loves you and so do I

1 Year and Counting

Well, I've hit the one year mark last month. It's hard to believe that a year ago this time I was going through all the tests and the emotional stuff that comes along with a cancer diagnosis. For the past few months I've just been living my life as normal as I can. I didn't start the tamoxifen when I was suppose to (I have now...about a month ago) and really I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. I'm not good at taking medicine or taking pills every day and truthfully I just didn't think I would be able to do it. I have since put my pills in the little weekly pill organizer and that has been a great help. So far I haven't had any side effects from the pills...that's a good thing.

I've been having some headaches pretty frequently for a month so I don't think that can be blamed on the meds...that's my only concern right now. They are not consistent, not on the same side of the head, nothing that I can really point to...maybe anemia again. I was having a terrible time with that prior to the cancer thing and it wasn't until after diagnosis that my oncologist gave me a nice boost through my iv. No problems since. But then, with all the treatment...my cycles went away and since coming back are really out of whack...so I'm thinking the anemia is a possibility.

I went for my 1 yr. mammogram this past week. I didn't hear anything back from anyone so I assume all is well. Last year, the radiologist had my doctor on the phone and I was called within 2 hours of leaving the office. The radiologist did take extra images and measurements of the other lump that was determined to be benign last year. Benign tumors are not suppose to become malignant so I'm guessing they just want to be certain that if anything weird starts happening they'll be on top of it. I guess that we can't always be certain that the dr got a piece of the tumor for testing so it's a good thing to watch it. I'm confident that it is benign. So long as it's not painful (only when pushed on) and it doesn't start growing wildly, we'll just leave it alone.

I meet with my surgeon next Monday (Nov 17) to get my port removed. I'll be so glad to have this protrusion off my chest bone. Just one more thing to not remind me of this past year.

It's funny because you see so many people who "take up the cause" and they are out there working for a cure, getting the word out, participating in any and every event and I just want to get on with living. I don't want to think about cancer every day. I don't want to worry about it coming back every day. I do want a cure - obviously - but I think I just want this year to be about living without all the tests, treatments, worry, etc. I'm so thankful for those who want to fight this with all they have...right from the beginning and never stopping. I kind of feel guilty. I don't want to feel that way. But I do. My kids had to do without so much last year. I tried to keep everything as normal as possible and right now I'm tired. I get tired really easily and can't keep up with everyone else right now. I don't know if this is because I kept trying to do it all. I don't know. I feel like I'm starting a pity party so I'll just quit now. Will post more when the ports out, when the headaches go away...when I'm up for it a little more. Right now...I'm gonna go take a nap. See you guys later.

Doctor Appt

I had a doctor appt with my oncologist Monday. All is fine. October 12 will be when I have my one-year mammogram...it's hard to believe that it's been a year ago since this all began. After I have the mammogram and get the "all clear" I can have the port-a-cath removed (then it doesn't look like I have bottle cap underneath the skin on my chest...yuck. And thankfully, it's a procedure that can be done right in the office of my surgeon. I know from last years appt's that she goes to Indonesia for the month of November so I'm hopeful that we can get it removed before then.

We discussed the tamoxifen. I never started taking it. After researching all the side effects I wasn't comfortable exchanging one cancer for the potential for several others, stroke, blood clots, etc. After reviewing my pathology report, my doctor said that my cancer was "highly" hormonal (3+), on both estrogen and progesterone. The tamoxifen doesn't stop me from producing estrogen but rather acts a blocker that won't allow the estrogen to attach itself to the cells that may be damaged and have the potential to become cancer. So I will rethink taking the tamoxifen...I'm leaning heavly towards taking. BUT...I will begin a new health regimen to try to curb some of the side effects. Plus I need to lose some serious weight so hopefully I can start being healthy again.

I have about 2 inches of hair now. It's fuzzy unless I put gel on it (for the wet look:). If it stays fuzzy, I tease that I'll look like a troll. heeheehee. I wear head bands so it looks a little more feminine...otherwise it looks really boyish...not my style!

Love to you all

Don't forget...Jesus loves you

The Cancer Sisterhood

This is for a new sister on this journey. We'll just call her "S" (you know who you are)- I'm writing this to her...

I didn't want to bother you with phone calls or details as I know getting used to this diagnosis is very hard. As mother's we try to take care of everyone and when we are the one who is sick, it is difficult to let others see us that way. It's kind of like, when the kids are sick-we take care of them...when hubby is sick-we take care of him...when we are sick-we get up and go about our day still taking care of everyone else until we collapse at the end of the day, satisfied that everyone in the home is safe and well. This is different. You will need to let people help you. I'm not going to tell you that it's easy, it's not...but it is doable...and you will be ok. Having triplets...you've gotten through much more than most of us who only had to take care of one at a time! So I know you can do it!!!

If you want to find something specific (like how I felt before/after the lumpectomy) here are the months they happened in. Just go to the archived area and select those months.

Oct - diagnosis
Nov - lots of dr appts, scans, biopsies
Dec - Lumpectomy, chemo port put in (same time)
Jan-Mar - Chemo
Apr-Jun - Radiation
currently - monthly port flushes, lab work

Anyway...like I said this morning...your journey will be different than mine. I thought you might want to see how my walk with cancer has been. The things I thought, the things that happened, how I felt, etc.

If you want to talk about anything at all...please call. I don't mind at all. If you want to email me, address is 1kellikw@bellsouth.net

Take care and know that we are praying for you.

Remember...God loves you and He wasn't surprised by any of it.

EDITED TO ADD...
This is just a suggestion. You will have many appt's, consultations, labs, etc. It will get very overwhelming. The best thing I did was put a 3 ring binder together. I put calendar pages in the front to keep up with all the appts. I put blank notebook paper in to write down ALL of my conversations with doctors, nurses, lab techs, hospital workers, etc. I used the notebook pages to write questions as I thought about them (then when me and my notebook went to an appt., I'd have my questions there too!) I placed all the results in the book (pathology, etc.). This was so very helpful! It kept me from having multiple biopsies of the same mass/cancer. I took the book to every appt. - even into the hospital, into my rooms.

And before allowing ANYONE to prick, poke, cut or whatever...ask them what they are doing. I had two different situations, one-the nurses showed me having a biopsy of a benign mass that had already been biopsied and two-a radiologist was going to do a node biopsy when I was already scheduled for a better type of biopsy with my surgeon during my surgery that was scheduled the following week. So please...ask what they are doing before allowing people to do whatever they want. You are the patient. You are paying for the services.

Insomnia

Well, it's 4:45 am. I've been laying awake since about 4am and finally decided to get up, thinking maybe if I'd read a little it would make me want to go back to sleep. But here I am, updating instead.

I have a dr. appt this morning. It's just a port flush so I didn't count it when I posted earlier about no doc visits for 3 months. I have to get the port flushed monthly so it doesn't clog up. It only takes about 1 minute but I've always had to get lab work also and they make you wait for the results of that before doing anything else - that takes about an hour. We started school last week so I'll just take some of the stuff I've been preparing and work on it while I wait.

As most of you probably know we homeschool. We started last week because we like to get in our full 3 semesters before Thanksgiving then we take off the entire holiday season. This way we get to really focus on the holidays and making crafts, going places and pretty much just get to enjoy the time. Public school starts back Aug 7 so really we're only a few weeks ahead of them. We pick back up at the first of the year and are finished in May.

Katie will test at the end of this year - her first real test - so we will cover a lot. I don't really worry about passing or failing in general because I don't believe that just because the public school guru's decided that children must know about magnets in the first and third grade, that children REALLY must know about magnets. I believe that kids are naturally curious and when they question things...that's when you really have their attention and it's perfect timing to teach on those things. I guess we want to do good on the test for the same reason everyone else does, so we can say, "see, they are learning." In reality, they're learning daily, regardless of that grade.

Katie is a pretty good reader but David wants no part of it. He'll sound out the words but only if made to. On the other hand Katie questions herself and has little confidence in math, yet David likes it and has no problem blurting out the answer. He's also a little experimenter. Like most boys, he loves to take things apart just to see how they work. Mom bought us an electric pencil sharpener at a thrift store or yard sale and it doesn't work so great - gets jammed and basically does nothing. David keeps wanting to take it apart to work on it. I just keep reminding him not to put his fingers in there!

OK...so typing for the last 15 minutes has not made me tired. I think I'll go make some coffee and honey toast. By the way...has anyone had "Really Raw Honey"? It's sooooo good. If you like honey and believe in its benefits, try it! It's a bit more pricey than normal, but well worth it.

OHHHHH, yesterday...........I went to church without my scarves on! I stopped and bought some headbands so I don't look like a boy and just because it is still so very short. Everyone said it was so cute, I know it wasn't...but it's a start. It's 90 degrees and I'm tired of wearing the scarves. And I have to make these first steps sooner or later. I can't wait to have hair again. It looks as though it will still be very thin on top but the back part looks pretty good.

I will just be thankful.

New Bloggin' Colors

Ok...so the pink is gone and so goes the "all things cancer" talk. I'm sure I'll comment about it in general but I don't want it to be the overall theme of this blog. For now, my treatments are minimal, nothing going on for a few months so I'd like to just blog about whatever, whenever. Of course all my previous post and some of the data will stay just for info purposes but I'm moving them to a less prominent space or atleast I'll begin moving them as I find more stuff to put in it's place. I know a lot of you are using my space pages but I just haven't got that comfie feeling there yet.

And Penni...I still haven't been over there to your page or to check my own page and become "a friend." I'm assuming I have to go to my own page and you will have sent me an invite??? Ya'll just gotta bear with me on that one. I've been on the my space site twice, once with Brian showing me his friends and once when I created my name. That was all I could do. I didn't find it user friendly at all. Of course, it could have been the chemo...I was telling Debbie in an email today that my chemo brain is in fact going away and I'm becoming much more of my ol' sure self, much to the dismay of Dave (heehee) but if I was still in chemo brain mode when something was said, all that stuff didn't come back so when you invited me to your page, I forgot to go.

So all that being said, here comes some new stuff...positive stuff. I probably won't think of a thing to say. But hey...you can take the hubby/wife test at the top of the page!

Next Treatment

I met with my oncologist today and so begins my hormone blocker therapy. It's called Tamoxifen and though it doesn't stop production of estrogen, it prevents estrogen from attaching to a protein that feeds/causes cancer. I asked the doc what would if I didn't want to take it, he softly said, "death." Well then...I guess we'll be taking it! I'm sure he didn't mean that all of a sudden there would be another mass and I'd be dead in a few months...just that my cancer feeds on estrogen and if I do nothing it may return either in the breast or other places (metastasis) like bone, brain or lungs. I just read that with tamoxifen, that liklihood drops 69% - that's pretty big. So I suppose I will start this week after I read up on everything. There's a link to the National Cancer Institute's page for tamoxifen at the bottom of this blog.

My doc doesn't believe in continually searching for cancers with PET scans, CT scans and other types of x-ray/scans but will watch blood counts, estrogen levels, etc. I'll see him every three months unless the tamoxifen isn't working for me (side effects) and will have my port flushed monthly until we are comfortable with removing - feeling that it won't be needed any more. That will be nice since it looks ugly sticking out of my chest and it is sometimes uncomfortable.

We have VBS this week from 630-9pm. We are using the Back to Genesis curriculum so we will be studying the 7 C's. Last night we studied creation. I am hopeful that we are able to instill in our children that we are created by God and not some offspring of an ape, not something that just happened along the way after some big cosmos event (big bang theory). I pray that when the children hear these things in school that they are equipped and grounded in their spirit of knowing God is our creator - He is the alpha and the omega - the beginning and the end.

Will write more later - gotta get a nap in before VBS tonight or I won't make it.
Love to you all...

To My Brother & Sister

Penni...I am just now reading your post from April. Thank Jeff because he called and told me that he posted a comment. Otherwise, I might not have checked my comments! Thank you both. I'm really not that strong, just determined. And you know me, I like to be in control. Stop laughing and don't blurt out loud, "that's for sure!" Even if my insides are turning, I don't want to show it. Even more so with the kids. They keep me going. I gave in to David's request of having a mohawk-I know, ya'll can't believe it can you? Thanks to Jo, my dear son in law who loves to sport a mohawk often and sported a very pink one for the Relay...David's mohawk is very temporary and just for fun. He told me that after he shows everyone, especially Jo, he'd shave it off so his hair would look like mine. ahhh.

Jeff and Penni...it's funny because your comments were written 2 months apart and they say nearly the same thing. Did mom put you up to it??? Just kidding. I love you both, too! Oh...and to everyone else...ya'll need to start writing comments because Jeff was feeling sorry for me and my blog not having comments. If you don't start writing he's going to have to write them all himself. Kind of made me think I need to blog just to blog...about everything...not just the cancer stuff. Maybe I can link from a regular page to the cancer stuff so I won't have to keep talking about it. Some like to talk about it all the time but I think I'd just like to get to that new normal place where I don't have to talk about doc appt's and tests and all that goes along with it. So if you look one day and it's no longer pink...and the cancer stuff is somewhere else...then you'll know I figured it out! Wish me luck. I started to put a my space page together but was scared off with having to download all the cool looking stuff. Otherwise it was just too boring looking. But if you all have my space pages...send them to me so I can check them out.

OK...now for my the health stuff. Feeling good but a little tired. That's normal for me these days. I have follow up visits with my oncologist and radiologist next week. I expect the oncologist will put me on hormone blockers - can ya'll say menopause here we come!!!! Pray for Dave. Still feeling too young for that one, but I suppose I have to do it. Wow, that's all I have regarding health stuff!

I'm not sure that I thanked everyone properly for supporting me during the relay for life walk. THANK YOU...THANK YOU...THANK YOU!

And thank you all for the prayers I know you've prayed. I love you all.

Happy Father's Day!

Dad...
Happy Father's Day. Hope you have a great day!

Wish I could've come out.

Will see you in a week or so.

Harry...
Happy Father (in law) Day. Hope you had a great day with Dave!

He tends his flock like a shepherd...he gently leads those that have young
Isaiah 40:11


Exerpt from "A Father, A Hero" by Dr. James Dobson

Every child needs a hero.

When I was young, it was common practice to study those who had led exemplary lives - courageous men and women who succeeded against all odds. Our heroes were leaders and role models such as Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill and Florence Nightingale. They inspired us to reach for the best within us.

Today, thanks in part to our society's fascination with human failure, that tradition has fallen by the wayside. There is less emphasis on past achievers, while contemporary sports stars, entertainers and political figures, with all their flaws on display, just don't measure up. From watching the news or reading the papers, one would think that boys and girls living in the twenty-first century would find no one worthy of their respect and admiration.

Yet there is one person - one man - that every child longs to look up to, to emulate, to know that he or she can count on when the chips are down. He is the one that all children, in the deep reaches of their hearts want most as a hero.

Dad.

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there.

Treatments Done!

I haven't blogged now for the last 2+ months. I've been going to radiation therapy for nearly 7 weeks...5 days a week...that's a lot of driving for someone who isn't used to driving every day. I had to drive 30 miles one way for treatments so it nearly doubled out fuel cost for the last couple of months.

The radiation wasn't bad. It took all of 5 minutes to get set-up (aligned with the lasers) and have the 120 seconds of radiation zapped in me. It didn't bother me until the last week then some areas were like sunburn - radiation doc likened it to a second-degree sunburn. It is still painful under my arm but it's getting better.

I am so ready to just be "normal" again, whatever that is. I suppose we find a new normal, one that knows the cancer could return but hopes it never will; one that knows it could return but the thoughts are pushed to the back of our brain in hopes that we don't dwell on it lest it consume every moment of every day. This will be the new normal. I'm thankful that there will be no tests for a few months and hopefully doc visits will be minimal. I think I'll have to have my port flushed every 4-6 weeks though but that is ok. I'll be glad when it comes out, then maybe it will feel like this nightmare is somewhat over. It doesn't hurt but it's uncomfortable doing certain things like reaching over your head or laying the wrong way.

My hair is coming back. It's about a half inch long now with lots of gray. Most of the ladies on some cancer forums say it will darken over a few months to a year - yea! Atleast it didn't come in white like some. I love white hair, I think it's beautiful but...I'm not ready for white hair yet! I told Dave I was gonna bleach it and he asked if I'd asked the doc. Well, no! He might say, "no." I figure if I don't ask then he can't say no and I won't be going against doc's orders. Right?

Will write more later. We have company and I need to get some lunch going.

This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Insomnia or Hot Flashes...Maybe Both

OK. So I've been up since 2:30am. It was hot in there. I didn't turn the fan on last night because I just thought it'd be ok. It wasn't. I probably woke up 3 times since 10:30pm. I'm tired and my eyes hurt but I can't get back to sleep. It's just me and the little moth that has found its way to my computer screen this morning.

This week has been a little harder. I had my last chemo treatment Monday and it went downhill from there, getting a little harder with each passing day. I stayed in my pj's all week with the exception of one day when I had to go to the bank. I didn't cook. I didn't wash dishes. I didn't do anything! Poor Dave had to work then come home and do everything else around here. He's great at not complaining about stuff like that...though I certainly didn't throw down the gauntlet and tell him he had or needed to do the dishes every day. I warned him each day before he got home that the house wasn't in the best shape and I had the kids get their stuff picked up so he wasn't bombarded when he walked in the door. I think guys are different that way anyway. I'm not sure he notices a sinkful of dishes the way women do. Sorry to any of you guys that do.

My pain this week wasn't as great as the first treatment but wasn't as slight as 2 and 3. It seemed to have really knocked the wind out of my sails this time. The pain was in my legs...more like muscle spasm, jelly legs and some minor pain. My stomach was very upset. No coffee or tea here...it was hard to drink anything; partly due to stomach ails and partly due to my mouth just feeling icky - like sludge - can't taste anything, tongue feels weird, just icky.

I started feeling better on Saturday. Atleast I could get up and walk without looking and feeling like a zombie. I managed to cook a pot of soup and some cornbread for me to eat on all day (luckily the kids had leftover pizza which they were happy to have for lunch and dinner.) I managed to do the dishes, a load of laundry (even if I did restart the dryer atleast 3 times to get wrinkles out), swept the bathroom floor, got baths started for kids, removed all the winter clothes from the closet, boxed them up, moved all tee's from one closet to another, vacuumed. WOW...when I write it all down it sounds like I accomplished alot. Maybe I should start writing it down more often. I 've often told Dave that there is so much that I do that he never sees; rearranging the shelves in the laundry/storage room, cleaning floors, fixing his drawers (how did he think those socks got lined up so nicely in his drawer?)

I hope my stomach doesn't keep me home from church in the morning. I already missed our monthly ladies night (Friday night) which I absolutely hate! But I sure don't want to go with my stomach in turmoil. The kids will HATE it! I wish sometimes that I could let them go with Dave. I wish we were all together. It really, really stinks. I could always go and drop them and just hang out in my car - close to the house. We're in several building on an old farm so Sunday School classes are split among buildings and then the kids have children's church in one building while we have service in another. If I stayed in the car then I wouldn't be disrupting anyone coming or going. Of course then I'd get a lecture on why I came, why didn't I call someone to pick up kids, etc. and then someone would insist on bringing me home - isn't it great when you have a family that cares about you so much. My church family has been incredible to me during these months. They have taught me so much about serving one another and really loving. I love them more than they know. I wonder what I can do to show them how much they truly mean to me. I'll have to think about that one.

I've been up for nearly an hour now so I'll try to go back to sleep. Hopefully I will not be back out here writing more. Good night my sweet family and friends. Good night. Love to you all.

PS...I'm not spell checking or reviewing my post lest I be out here tweeking it for another hour. Then I might delete the whole thing. So I'm just going to close right here, right now. Love You.

Chemo is Done!

It didn't seem like I'd ever get to this point. I just finished 4 rounds of chemo today and I am so glad. I can't wait to have my hair start growing in. I've waited 3 weeks in between each treatment and no hair started growing so I wonder just how long will it take. Seriously, I'd go without hair forever if it meant that I wouldn't have cancer ever again and that I never had to worry again. I know I've reached a big milestone today but I think once you have cancer, there is always that worry in the back of your mind...when will it come back. We change our diets. We change our habits. Our faith changes, sometimes for the better, sometimes worse. We are never the same again. I don't think that people who have never had cancer understand that we are never the same. We know that this cancer has little cells out there trying to take over other parts of our body. It may have come in one way and we have surgeries and chemo and radiation to take care of it...but has it already multiplied and found it way into another spot? Bones perhaps. Maybe lungs. The thought forever lingers. What we do with that is what matters. Do we dwell on the what ifs? Stay in bed, depressed? Absolutely not. We get up every day and we do what has to be done. God already has it written. We live and we continue to work for the kingdom. Whether we have 1 day left or 10,000...we work for the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. And we do it daily. But it's a choice we make. And that choice we make will determine the quality of our life.

Today was by far the best treatment I had. I was there alone. Kristi had forgotten. Dave had to watch kids. Pat took me and dropped me off because she had to get to work and Dave picked me up when I was done.

I was the second in the "pod" of 4 chairs. The first one, Linda, was really struggling. This was her first treatment and she was not feeling well. Her husband came in with her. He was very attentive. After her first bag of chemo (we get two), her IV wasn't working properly, she had no port. Why? She would be getting 4 rounds of chemo then a year of another therapy that must be run through an IV. Her surgeon should have put the port in during her surgery. Instead she is put through this nonsense today and now has to go for another surgery. Today they had to reinsert her IV and they blew out 2 veins trying to get it in. Her arm was red and bruised and swollen from elbow to hand. She cried a lot today. I just had to close my eyes and pray that the nurse would be able to get that IV in the right place. Guess what, she did...not 5 minutes later either; that IV was in in less while I was praying or within seconds of stopping. Then they iced up her arm and gave her a little ativan. Woohoo!!! She was feeling good then. Can we say "tipsy?" She was so cute. I pray she is ok tonight. I hope she will call me.

Beverly came in third. She was in a wheel chair and really struggling to get to her chair. Her sister brought her in and helped her to her seat. She was small and frail looking with a beautiful smile. She had breast cancer 12 years ago. Remission for 12 years. Do you suppose she ever quit thinking that something might show up again. Nearly 2 years ago it was found in her bones. This is not bone cancer but breast cancer in the bones. She's had a stroke and they didn't think she was going to make it. 40,000 women will die this year from breast cancer. Was she going to be part of that statistic? She wants to live to see her grandchildren grow up. A couple of the treatments she was told would kill her and it has only been in the last 3 weeks that she has began to feel better. I hope she calls me also. I think we were put together for a reason today.

In pod number four a gentleman came in. I didn't get his name. He was quiet and didn't get into the conversation going on. I offered him the tv I had (there are only 2 swiveling tv's in each pod) since in my chemo fog I was attempting to watch tv, chat with the ladies and read a magazine which lay on my lap on the same page for the entire time. Now before you get on my case...I did manage to read a few pages in the Doc's examination room before he came in. And you know what, I think Deanna Favre' reads my posts! She used the exact imagery that I used to describe the pain on my head just before the hair falls out. She likened it to the too tight pony tail that you or your mom forgot to take out before going to bed and mulitply that times 5000. I think I may have said times 10 or so, but what's a few thousand? She also complained about that stupid neulasta shot that cost her $3500 back in 2004...here in 2008 I'm paying $4600 per shot. How about that for inflation! OH...back to my last visit with the ladies...

The gentleman turned down my offer of swinging the tv towards him...he said he could see it. I offered to change it from the food channel to a news channel and again he declined. And before you know it, he was gone. He was replaced by a poker-playing lady named Linda. Her hubby, mother and another lady were with her. This was her 2nd treatment and she seemed to be taking it well considering the cocktail she was given. She was extremely upbeat and appeared to have a great attitude about it all. I added her to my prayer list and gave her mother my phone number and email address since the nurse was with her when I was leaving. Linda said she'd love to come walk. If not, I shall walk for her as well.
I asked the other two ladies if I could pray for them. They accepted. (I wonder if I'd asked the man, would he have accepted my prayers???) I wrote their names down, lest chemo fog takes hold and I couldn't remember. Keeping a note pad handy these days is so very helpful. I wrote my name and number on a piece of paper and gave it to them. I asked them to come to the relay for life and walk the survivor's lap. If they couldn't make it, I would still walk for them. We talked about God and hope and God's greater plan...His knowledge...His plan for our lives before we were even born. It really was a good day.

Now get this! I brought up the Susan G. Komen message boards. Don't know why I brought them up, but I did and Linda said, "Do you get on them?" I told her yes. She said she did too and we exchanged our "board names." I told her I responded to her messages. She said she talked to someone about the Relay for Life...IT WAS ME!!! Is this a small world or what? I was so excited. I could not believe that someone I met on a message board was at the same cancer clinic, getting her chemo at the same time. Is that a God thing or what???

OK...I'm gonna calm down now and go to bed. By tomorrow I won't want to get up. I will be dragging for a few days. Oh, by the way, check out my cerficate at the top of the page. And please forgive my spelling and grammar slips.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on Him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

God gave His son as a gift. All you have to do is accept the gift.

People always say, if God is so good, why would He condemn people to hell? He didn't. He gave you years and years and chance after chance to accept His gift and time after time you laughed at jokes about Him, you mocked Him, you argued with Him, you cursed Him in the most vile way and you denied His very existence...only to turn around and blame Him for your problems. The Bible says that when you stand before Him, there will be those who say, "Jesus..." obviously knowing who he is, obviously wanting His gift now and He will say to them "Depart from me you workers of iniquity, I never knew you." That chance will be gone. Your eternity is complete.

He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. John 3:18-19

What is the name of the only begotten Son of God? Do you believe in Him? His name is Jesus and He is the only way to eternal life in heaven.

A long 3 weeks

Goodness...it's been 3 weeks since I posted. I think I was exhausted from all the stuff I was doing just prior to the last treatment. Then preparing for Easter - we went to moms and stayed a few days. That wears me out too. I think I try to reign in the kids a little more, trying to keep them form exhausting mom. She always wants us to stay a little longer but even before her knee replacement she would try to do too much with the kids (making up for the lost time she doesn't get with them maybe?)

We had a GREAT Easter with the family. Dave wasn't there, he usually has something to do with his church and it typically takes him all day. He was gone after work Friday (Good Friday), after work Saturday (he invited me - no thank you) and Sunday's he always gets home after 5. So, we packed up and went to moms. The cool things is...my family cooked and they were going to bring everything to my house. I live about an hour and a half away and that is BIG to me. Mom comes here sometimes to spend the night with the kids. But for my family to come, all bearing food for Easter dinner...that was awesome. But I told them it would be easier to come there than for all of them to try to pack up all the foods, driving several cars, etc. Besides, the kids with memaw for 3-4 hours would have been like torture for the kids. We came home Wednesday so I could get everything cleaned up and ready for Dave's Birthday (daddy Dave) and prepare for today's treatment - THE LAST ONE!

We went to church Sunday and then shopping for Dave's Birthday. Fishing poles for him and the kids and a tackle box. Hopefully they will get used.

During dinner last night, we got a prayer chain call that our santuary had caught fire. By the time I got the call and got to the church, most of the deacons and their wives had already received word and had been there cleaning up. We are really under attack right now and need some prayer, especially Pastor Danny.

So...I'm off for Round 4 of my treatments...suppose to be the last one today. YEA! I am suppose to have 5 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week next. I don't know when that should start, if it's immediately or if you wait a few weeks after chemo. The first radiation doc I met is not on my insurance so we will have to find another doc unless insurance will allow me to use them due to the hardship it would create if I had to drive much longer than that. Everyone tells me that the radiation is ok except at the end it gets a little tougher. Most of those who have said that did not have chemo, don't have an already weakened immune system, weakened body, etc. I have heard that it just makes you tired and run down. So basically, I guess I'll continue to feel the way I have been over these last couple of months :-)

On My Way To 3rd Chemo Treatment

The time changed over the weekend (3 weeks early I think) and I'm still tired. I should be getting ready by now since I need to pick up Kristi first. She had another seizure last week so it's back to no driving for her. She had just started in December...I didn't want her to start then (mother's do sometimes know best.)

This will be my third of four treatments. So far, God has been good to me. So good in fact that I didn't fill one of my nausea meds because I forgot to take the $100 per pill last time. I took the first one, which is 125mg, but forgot to take them on day two and three. I will take the day two pill today, which is only 80mg. I'll let you know how I feel.

I have done well these three weeks since treatment #2. I went on the ladies retreat 3 days after the treatment and did well, though I did wind down quickly in the evenings. The day after returning is when the accident happened (you can read about it in the previous blog) and I have been going pretty strong since. I guess we're all like that. When there are things to be done, we just do them but when we stop, it catches up with us and we begin to feel the effects.

Will write more later. I have ten minutes to get dressed, finish my coffee, warm up the car, blah...blah...blah... Love you guys.

When Jesus Calls Us Home

Last week, our church was hit hard when after an Awana's playtime at the jungle jump, 2 members of a family were killed in a car accident and another was left in a coma with head trauma. Today's post is dedicated to that family, Donna and David who had to bury their precious daughter Kathryn (7) and Donna's mother Nancy. Marcus (8) survived the wreck and has been in a children's hospital since. My heart goes out to this family as my flesh can not imagine having to bury one of my children...but my heart rejoices at the same time that they have gone home to glory and are in the presence of Jesus. I'm selfish, I'll admit it. I'll miss little Kathryn bouncing into church and sitting wherever she pleased. Sometimes she'd sit with Katie, my daughter; other times with Pastor Danny and Janet. Last week, I heard she sat by Scotty, our sound guy, watching him push buttons, move levers or whatever he does over in that corner. Sometimes her mom Donna would hold her the entire time we sang...until children's church was called. I will truly miss her.

Nancy was the family matriarch, the glue holding everyone together. She made sure that the children were always at church, coming to every occasion or function the church had, ensuring that the kids were there learning God's word. She did what she was suppose to do, even when she was sick and probably would have preferred to stay in bed. She was going to teach me to sew. I never made the time. I wish I had. She made beautiful clothes...you never knew if what she was wearing was bought in a store or she made it, she was that good. I will miss her, too.

And then there's Marcus. Wow! One of a kind, for sure. Abundant energy. Most people thought Marcus was too busy doing other things to truly listen to what was being taught but not those of us who worked with the kids in children's church and Awana's. It didn't matter if Marcus was hanging upside down in a chair, playing with his feet or hiding in the toy box in children's church...if someone was teaching, he was listening. If you asked a question, even from the pulpit, Marcus will tell you the answer, usually to chuckling of those in the congregation. There was more than one occasion when Marcus chose to sit away from the class and we'd teach the lesson, ask questions and the first one (sometimes only one) would shout the answer from his little space he wanted to be in. We knew when the pastor wasn't really expecting an answer but if you're gonna ask a question with Marcus in the room, you'd better be expecting an answer. Last Sunday, February 24, Marcus was silenced. He's been in a coma since and tonight the family waits. Only God knows the outcome and we have to trust Him. Our God is a good God and though we don't understand sometimes why he allows things like this to happen, we have to believe that He has ALL of our best interests at heart. That doesn't always make it easy.

My children, Katie and David, love both Marcus and Kathryn. They were all partners that last day in children's church. I love them, too. Tonight we say a prayer for Donna and David...she lost her mother and daughter in a blink of an eye. We pray for Marcus and his family, too. Hold your children close tonight.

Edited to Update...
Marcus met his cousin Kathryn and grandmother Nancy in heaven this week. Though not the outcome we wanted right now...we would like to have kept him with us...but we praise our Lord for the time we had with him (with all of them.) They made us better people. They made us take stock in our own families, if not during their life with us, then during this tragedy. We weep this week but understand that Jesus knows far greater than we. He knows the end and how things could have...may have...turned out. He knew how much time they had on this earth, we didn't. What would we have changed had we known their time here was so short? I bet we would have changed a lot. How much time do you have? No one knows but our Lord. Spend each moment treasuring your families, our time here may be short.

From Isaiah the prophet
Isaiah 60:19-22 (nkjv)
19: The sun shall no longer be your light by day,
Nor for brightness shall the moon give light to you;
But the LORD will be to you an everlasting light,
And your God your glory.
20: Your sun shall no longer go down,
Nor shall your moon withdraw itself;
For the LORD will be your everlasting light,
And the days of your mourning shall be ended.
21: Also your people shall all be righteous;
They shall inherit the land forever,
The branch of My planting,
The work of My hands,
That I may be glorified.
22: A little one shall become a thousand,
And a small one a strong nation.
I, the LORD, will hasten it in its time.

I'm Halfway Done With the Chemo

OK Friends:
I just got home from my second round of chemo - that means I'm halfway done. YIPPEE! I feel pretty good, just starting to get tired but I get tired every day between 3-4 o'clock. I met with my oncologist, Dr Nash (have I ever told ya'll how much I like him...I really do) and after discussing my severe pain last time, he said he thinks it's the Neulasta and not chemo. He guaranteed that it would help the pain and said I could definately go on the womens retreat. Unfortunately, that doesn't help with childcare. Neulasta is used during chemo to keep white blood count up so I don't get sick and I don't know what it's like in other places but around here...everyone has been getting a nasty flu bug. A third of our church was missing last Sunday. Can't remember if my last post said I was thinking of not going, so as you can see I did make it.

I'll probably repeat myself often and I've been trying to explain that "chemo brain" is a real problem...really...just google it...it's there. I was explaining it to Kristi on the way to chemo and she looked at me like I was crazy - but I think she does that anyway. So there I am, sitting in my chemo chair (got pix...will post later) while Kristi went to see her doctor and I get to the very last page of a magazine and there is was! No kidding! An article on "chemo brain." It explained it so well. Wish I could post here...maybe just a few of the tid-bits. My friend at church experienced it yesterday when I forgot the words to the song we were singing, even though she was holding the bulletin for both of us to see. I moved her hand farther away, I guess my eyes are going, too!

Thank's to everyone who is reading this blog and offering up prayers on my behalf. They are working and I feel so blessed to be a part of great family...and yes, Praise God I belong.

Family of God
Words and Music by William J. Gaither© 1970

Chorus
I'm so glad I'm a part of the Family of God,
I've been washed in the fountain,
Cleansed by His Blood!
Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod,
For I'm part of the family, The Family of God.

You will notice we say "brother and sister" 'round here,
It's because we're a family and these are so near;
When one has a heartache, we all share the tears,
And rejoice in each victory in this family so dear.

Chorus

From the door of an orphanage to the house of the King,
No longer an outcast, a new song I sing;
From rags unto riches, from the weak to the strong,
I'm not worthy to be here, but PRAISE GOD! I belong!

Chorus

see Heavenly Midis Songbook. Our family has learned many old hymn and news ones too.
http://my.homewithgod.com/heavenlymidis2/index.html

A Cute Kid Story

As you can see, insomnia has crept up on me tonight. It's 4 am and I can't sleep. Thought I heard one of the kids get up so my mommy side wouldn't let me go back to sleep without checking. Then I heard some yelping...strange sound...couldn't figure out what it was, until Katie came downstairs and asked me if I heard the coyote's? Well, I suppose it could be that. So now she's in my bed and wants to know if David can hear them...well NO...he's sleeping! We have to be up in about 2 hours to go distribute Angel Food Ministry boxes. If you don't know what Angel Food Ministries is, check out their site http://angelfoodministries.com.

If you read my previous post, you know my head is really hurting since the hair is falling out. For you girls out there, you know that feeling when you have your hair in a pony tail and forget to take it out at night...you know that tight, sore feeling you have in the morning...multiply that by 10. Well, anyway, we went out for dinner on Valentines Day and we were sitting in a booth. David and Katie were on one side, daddy and I on the other - David was directly across from me. This was my first night out with scarves wrapped around my head so I was a little self-conscience. I was telling Dave how sore my head was and I told him that if someone were to come up and pop me on the head that "I might have to deck 'em." Little David scooted up in his seat, leaned forward with his outstretched hand (as if he were going to tap me on the head) and as he got closer with his hand he said in his little boy voice, "what does deck mean?" I couldn't help but laugh and tell him that he was about to find out!

Hope you all had a nice Valentines Day.

Just Updating Since I Haven't Been Here Lately

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. It's now 19 days since my first chemo treatment and I don't have much hair left. I tried to hold on to as long as possible, not pulling on it. I guess if I had been pulling on it or really just running my fingers through it constantly it would never have lasted this long. I went to get pictures made today while I still had some hair and Kristi said it didn't look like it was much thinner...then I ran my fingers through it and she got teary-eyed at the sight. I just needed to hold on to it long enough to get a decent picture. I've been thinking about it since the beginning...if, God forbid, I lost this fight I wouldn't want everyone going by an open casket, looking at me and saying how good or bad I looked. I don't want my kids looking in a casket at me, looking sickly, I'd want a closed casket with a good picture, a picture of me healthy and looking happy. I know it seems morbid to think about it but when you get a diagnosis like this, you just can't help but think...what if God's time for me is up? What if He really wanted me home at the age of 42. So yes, I have thought of these things.

I though I was prepared to just buzz my head but that's a hard thing to do. I cut it really short today when I got home from getting the pictures taken. I just could bring myself to get the clippers out. Guess I'll sleep in a cap tonight so it's not all over the bed in the morning. It's kinda icky when you roll over and feel hair on your pillow. iiiicccckkkk

I didn't make it to church for prayer night tonight. I get tired pretty easily these days. I know it's not a good excuse and I should have made a better effort to be there. The kids and I sang for atleast an hour though. I love to hear them sing...I love to sing with them. We need to work up the guts to sing at church. I think I could do it with the kids.

Well my next chemo treatment is Monday. I keep thinking...after it's done and I get out of there...I am halfway done! That's a milestone. Will write more later. Time for bed.

Let all the earth fear the LORD;
Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him.
For He spoke, and it was done;
He commanded, and it stood fast.
Psalm 33:8-9

Update

11 days later and I still have my hair. I hear it's suppose to fall out at day 14. I managed to get to the store and get a couple scarves and hats. I sure don't want to end up without something to cover my head!

I feel pretty good but I tire really easily. I still feel wobbly when I walk around a lot, like going shopping. My face has broken out really bad, not sure if it's a side effect or just stress. We've been at memaws since Friday and I'm ready to get home - much easier to rest at home.

Mom's in the hospital - had her knee surgery finally. I think she's doing well.

Going to try to get a video attached to this blog...check it out.

One Week Later

It's been a week ago today since having the first chemo treatment and three days since having the port replaced. Yesterday was the WORST of the worst. The pain I was in was horrible until I took the oxycodone. The kids were pretty concerned, trying to help me, standing over me asking me what to do. There was nothing to do. Luckily Kristi came to help out.

Today there is no pain but I am a little unsteady on my feet - a little dizzy, probably from the pain meds. I think thrush has set in in my mouth. My mouth felt funny for a few days but now it's feels very rigidy, like stiff crepe paper.

We're suppose to go to memaw's today so we can celebrate birthdays this weekend. We thought about putting it off but I don't want the kids to look back and remember that we didn't get to have birthdays or other special occasions because mom had cancer. Kristi is going to drive me as I don't think I should drive today and Jo will come out Saturday for the party. Maybe I'll be well enough to drive myself home.

Thankfully, only 3 treatments to go. Maybe it'll be easier as we go. I'll know ahead of time to keep some good pain meds on standby.

Just a quick note

The last few days have not gone well. My port was replaced on Tuesday and it seems more painful than first surgery, possibly because the 1st surgery used some long-lasting numbing meds. My muscles began to ache and today were nearly unbearable. I've been in tears a lot today. It hurts to stand, walk, sit, lie...nothing seems to help. Kristi called and I could barely talk so she came by and got me to take some pain med (oxycodone?). That definately helped relax me and after resting was able to get up and get a bite to eat. I'm feeling dizzy now but wanted to atleast record what I was feeling. Will post more later. I'm going to go lie down.

Restless Night

2 days since chemo...feeling ok...kind of like a mild case of the flu right now. Felt cool and sometimes sweaty throughout the night and a little achy but all in all, ok. I only slept about 5 hrs, just laid in bed for an hour before deciding to just suck it up and get out of bed. Coffee's going and I'll try to make it to church today. I want to be there as much as I can just in case this chemo stuff puts me down for a little while. I don't want the kids to miss church either and they don't want to miss it. They look so forward to going and being there - no matter what day it is and no matter why we are there - be in church, Sunday school, angel food distribution day or just going there to chat with Pastor Danny or Pat. It's a joy in my heart to see them want to be there. I can never remember either of them saying "oh, do we have to go?" or anything of that nature. And when you sit listening to them, they are upstairs and you are down, and they are singing hymns and praise songs...that will bring a tear to your eye - atleast to mom's eyes.

I'm going to get a cup of coffee and see if I can work up a little energy now.

Thanks to those reading this blog who have offered up prayers for me these past weeks and months. I appreciate you all so much. Love to you all.

Little David's Favorite Verse:
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31

1st Chemo Treatment Down...3 to go

I had my first chemo treatment yesterday. It wasn't too bad. I had a port installed during my first surgery which is used to administer the chemo. It's a small bottle cap sized thing with a 6-8 inch tube that is threaded into an artery in your chest. There's a little rubber or silicon piece on the round part that they stick the IV needle into. This device is used so that they don't have to find a good vein for IV's at every treatment as chemo will destroy your vein and you have to have blood draws before every treatment to check white blood cells and other stuff. I have very little veins (5 sticks to get an IV in the day of surgery) so it was a definite no brainer.

Well, yesterday my port didn't work. At first we thought because it had been installed on Dec 10 and never flushed that maybe the tube had been clogged. The nurses got a little bit through but then had to go to my hand for a vein. They sent me to hospital for a port study to find what was going on and the x-ray showed the tube was kinked - we were lucky to have gotten anything through. So now...back to surgery to have a new port installed...this one will be in my juglar so that it is a straight shot to where-ever they need it to go (the first one went across my chest and then curved downward.) Not looking forward to them going after my juglar! I'll meet with surgeon Monday morning to figure out when all this will take place.

I'm feeling ok after the chemo treatment. The nausea drugs so far have helped. I was feeling very good yesterday, even immediately after the treatment. I walked the hospital halls faster than the nurses - felt like I was on speed. But that didn't last long. Before leaving I could tell I was getting tired. Kristi was with me. The kids were with Jo's (son in law) mom. I wanted to stay awake until the kids got home - I did but boy I was tired. Not overly - just knew I needed to rest. Having my coffee this morning so thought I'd get all this in before I hit the bed again. Jo and Kristi are suppose to come over this morning and fix breakfast and keep the kids occupied. We could get a little wintry mix today so maybe they can get out in that - IF it happens. This would be 3 times in 2 weeks - very unusal for Georgia.

Will post more later. Need to go take my anti-nausea drugs for today.

For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. -Romans 15:4

Happy Birthday my little David

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVID!!!

Goodness! 7 yrs today. Hard to believe, my little David is growing up so fast. Really, where does the time go? Penni, you must be asking the same thing. Yours will be 18 this year (Kristi 25). Whew. Makes me feel old. Atleast the little ones keep me feeling young(er).

I'm sorry to say that we will start this birthday out at the chemo-101 class this morning. What fun. Then I'll have to take David somewhere so the girls can decorate for a birthday party, just the family here tonight when daddy gets home. We'll celebrate the "boys" birthdays (papa, uncle Jeff and David) next weekend at memaws house. David can't believe he has to wait 10 days to go to memaws. My kids would move in over there if I'd let them.

Since chemo starts tomorrow, it might be a few days before an update. I keep telling myself I'll just breeze through this but then a reality check...knowing how I am, I'll be pukey for a week. I have my $115 per pill, anti-nausea medicine to start tonight. It better work for that amount of money. Isn't that insane? What do people do who have no way to obtain that medicine? It's corporate robbery and it's not fair. I'm fortunate enough to have insurance right now - thank God.

Well, it's time to get ready. Gotta go beautify myself. Figure I'll go have pix made with my kids today - while I still have hair - and while I still feel good. For those of you who know the veggie tales...Oh where is my hairbrush...Oh where is my hairbrush...Oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where...is my hairbrush. That is going to be my new theme song. If you don't know the song, I'll try to find it and post it.

We will not hide them from their children; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD, his power and the wonders he has done. -Psalm 78:4

Yesterday Was Not A Good Day

Well it's been 3 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I met with oncologist yesterday for the results of the Oncotype test, a test that looks at 21 genes and determines the predicted rate of recurrence over the next 10 yrs. I'm on the high side of the low range but since my tumor was somewhat large (2.56cm), grade 2a, stage 2, I'm only 42 (YOUNG!) he wants to fight it agressively...thus he is still recommending chemo. He did lower me from 6 treatments to 4 so I guess that's good. They say that if you don't kill the cancer the first time, if it comes back (recurrence) it is more agressive and much harder to treat. Since I want to be around for my kids and family, I will take the doc's advice and begin chemo on Friday. They will not be treating me with adriamycin since I'm fearful of the side effects. I could experience some neuropathy (loss of feeling/numbness in fingers, hands and God only knows where else.) I can expect to be bald by day 14 after first chemo treatment - which I am so not looking forward to but my hair has been thinning for years now...I tell everyone God's been preparing me for losing my hair for a long time. Oh well, it will grow back...it'll probably be all gray knowing my luck.

I talked to a dear friend last night who really got on to me about not praying. I'm not good at praying for myself or for that matter, even asking for prayers for myself. I have to change that.
I know that God is there for me...He hears my heart...but I know He wants to hear from me. He wants to hear from you too. I think I'll talk to Him today.

Love you all
-kelli

There's ice on the trees...the ground is white...
We're in northeast Georgia where we've just received a little bit of winter wonderland. We don't get snow much here and last night, just before dark, the snow began to fall. This morning it's not snowing...the snow was topped with freezing rain so we can't make snow angels or snowmen but the kids love it just the same. We're not always prepared for stuff like this so David has his dad's socks on his hands-yep two pair. We have little knit gloves good for blocking cold air but not so good for wet snow and ice. His hands are frozen. Katie's has good gloves...from a couple years ago when we went to the UP (upper penninsula/Michigan)...now that was a beautiful winter wonderland.

The kids have their hot cocoa. They want to be warm...but...something about the snow makes you want to stay outside, no matter the discomfort.

Relay For Life

I spent two hours going over the site for Relay For Life. I looked at every link trying to get as much info as possible. I think I'll try to put together a team. I will continue to "bump" this post to the top to keep it in the forefront. Here are the details...

When: Friday, May 30, 2008 from 7pm to 7am...yes...all night long...spotlighting that Cancer Never Sleeps.

7pm - Opening Ceremony - this is the 1st lap - the survivor's lap - only survivors walk.
9:30pm - Luminaries Ceremony - lighting of the luminaries for survivors and those lost to cancer. A very moving tribute.
1200 midnight - Beauty Pagent: The Relay Womanless Beauty Pagent (no more said).
7am - Closing Cermony

I will be looking for people to join my team - either to stay all night with me, walking as we can or to sign up for a specific time to relieve me and other team members. I won't specify whether those who sign up need to walk an hour or half-hour...maybe you can walk two...I'll take whatever anyone can do. Hopefully I will be able to get some on my team to stay with me.

I am also looking for sponsors. I would like to get team t-shirts made with our team name on the front and the sponsors listed on the back. I need to get the prices on that so I can be prepared.

If not enought company sponsors, maybe each team member can pay $20; $10 participant fee to Relay For Life and $10 for a team t-shirt.

Our team name is Team Believe. Jesus said, "Do not be afraid, only believe." -Mark 5:36-

I'm really excited about this. Email me at 1kellikw@bellsouth.net if you'd like to discuss details, make donation to the team, etc.

Love to all my family, friends, co-workers, clients and church family. I love you all. -kelli

Not so great insurance

I got a call from Genomic Health, the company that actually tests the tissue samples removed at surgery. They test specific genes and determine the likelihood of recurrence and if chemo will be of any benefit. The results are scored by numbers 1-100, with only the 1-17 being in the lowest percentile of recurrence. My oncologist wants to see that number at 10 or below before opting out of chemo. I'm not feeling so lucky...

Well, my insurance is good and covers the test, which is great because this test is relatively new and not all insurance companies are on board with it. Unfortunately, I have terrible deductibles and maximum out of pockets to be met...but with God's grace...Genomic Health has other plans to help pay for the test. Turns out that according to Genomic Health, we must be poor and they will write off any amounts not paid by insurance company. WOOHOO! I'm still not feeling so lucky...

Results should be in between Jan 17-22 (10-14 days after receiving tissues.)

I think I'm at the point where I don't think of cancer every minute of every day now. Though I think of it daily and sometimes I get weepy, mostly I consider what do I do. Since I'm not in any treatment currently, not sure what treatment will be, I'm cautious of what I put on my calendar. I need to get the signs back on my car. I need to get new clients for the bookkeeping business I've had for nearly 4 years now. I haven't paid for my business license yet because I don't know what the future holds. I don't want to get new clients just to find out that I have to have an aggressive form of chemo and I'll be sick for days...blah, blah, blah. We shall wait and see.

Oncologist Appt

I met with oncologist on Wednesday. It went well. I scheduled it because chemo was due to start Monday and I was stressing over whether or not it was for me. When all this began, I went into surgeon with the mindset of having a mastectomy...just wanted all the cancer gone and now. But as I began to read up on the types and stages and grades and the clincal trials before me, I wondered what my course of action should be. Does chemo help everyone? Obviously not or there wouldn't be 40 thousand women dying this year as a result. I don't want to be one of those 40 thousand.

Well, since I hadn't seen the oncologist for a month, since before my surgery, I figured we had more info and should figure out what I should do. According to my pathology report I am a candidate for the oncotype test. It tests the tissue samples that were removed at surgery and will determine my likelyhood of recurrence as well as how much would chemo help increase that number. In order to avoid chemo, my number must come in under 10. The medium range is optional and the oncologist would probably recommend. The high range, over 25 or 30 would be definately chemo. I don't have a great feeling, like I'm going to have to decide for myself.

Another Consultation

I meet with the oncologist again tomorrow to discuss whether oncotype testing would be beneficial to me. Also, the more I read, the more confused I am about chemo and the long term side effects...things like cardio (heart) problems, other organ cancers and even leukemia. My surgeon didn't know of anyone on chemo who got leukemia but then, why should she? If I was "cancer free" for 3 years then found out I had leukemia, would I call me surgeon? I doubt it. I wouldn't need a surgeon, I'd need an oncologist again.

My mother's friend Debbie finished her chemo a year ago (I think). She was tired and had some issues but she was at work as much as she could be. She was going to take a cruise the week before Christmas but was in the hospital in cardiac arrest...the third time! I got a call from my mom last night...Debbie died from cardiac arrest Saturday. My prayers go out to her children and grandchildren, her parents and friends. I don't know if the chemo she received had anything to do with it. Don't know that we'll ever know. But is it coincidental? Who knows. All I know is that I am 42 years young with a 6 & 8 yr old and I want to be here atleast until they are grown. I have a 24 yr old daughter who lost her father at the age of 11 and I think she'd like to have me around a while longer also.

Thus...the meeting with oncologist. I need to make sure that chemo is going to keep me here longer, not shorten my life.