Not a Happy Day

I have not had a good day at all today. Seems like I am on course for everything around me to fall apart. I have yet to give family and friends this website and now I'm glad. What I want to say here I can't even talk to people about so maybe this will just be my own little get-away place where I can say and vent as I please without worrying about offending someone or without people getting tired of my venting.

Anyway, my temper has been less than ideal today. I homeschool my two kids (ages 6 & 8) so we've been couped up in the house all day while I try to get everything organized and put away. I am trying to be productive so I don't have to worry about things when I have surgery and begin chemo. I moved all the kids clothes and one of their dressers to my room so I wouldn't have to go upstairs to put their stuff away. I don't like taking the stuff up there when I feel good much less when I feel bad. Today, Katie spilled an entire glass of tea, tripped over all their junk in the middle of the living room floor, went all over the tv, table, videos, cds...everywhere. She tried to clean it up herself and of course there were missed spots but I was just not happy when I stepped in it then saw it all over the place. So in my anger over other crappy feelings, I yelled and screamed way too much. I need to keep my misplaced anger in check - with the one who really ticks me off.

I don't know why I had to be the lucky one to get this stupid disease when the family is already on shaky ground, when finances just stink and you're living paycheck to paycheck...I just don't see how this could ever work out good. I have a great big God and I know He can work everything out, I just hope I have the patience to wait on Him to work it out. I know this could end up being a great testimony to His goodness and faithfulness but what happens in the mean time...it's anyone's guess. I sure can't go anywhere else...I been working from home (minimally) and homeschooling the kids so I don't have work history for awhile and I sure don't want to put the kids in public school. How do you work harder to try to get a business going when you hate where you're at...when you're certain you are going to be feeling less than enthusiastic about anything? I know...I know...it's a pity party...but it's my blog and my pity party so I say it's ok.

Will write more later. I'm done venting (for now.)

Isaiah 40:28-31 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I met with oncologist Monday. We basically just tossed back and forth what to do first...chemo or surgery? It boiled down to him deciding that if he was completely convinced that the biopsy of the tiny cluster was in fact not cancer...if he were certain that they actually got a piece of the correct tissue, he would go ahead and start chemo "today." So really, he's not convinced and rightfully so. It is a tiny little cluster and if we start chemo and it begins to shrink then we'd realize that we didn't have all the right answers going in and he wants to be certain that everything has been tested and he knows for sure what's cancer and what's not. It's understandable.

Had my lab work done today also to check my anemia. Chemo will make you anemic so they want to get that under control before getting started, too. Will be back to see oncologist again next Tues...along with surgeon so all the details can get worked out. Surgeon's office penciled in surgery for Friday, Dec 7 or Monday, Dec 10, depending on what surgeon wants (due back from Bangladesh Saturday, Dec. 1 after a month of missionary work.)

Dave (my husband)...he thinks I'm already healed. Though I appreciate his faith...what does that mean? Don't do chemo? Just believe it's gone and never go back to the doctor? I too believe that I will be a survivor but God does allow us to go through trials, lest what would be our testimony of Him and His greatness...the hope in Him...hope everlasting.

Psalm 10:17

You hear, O LORD , the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them,

and you listen to their cry.

Week of Nov 19

It's Thanksgiving week - HAPPY TURKEY DAY to everyone!

I had my MRI guided biopsy of the cluster on Nov 16 so the results are due back this week. I'm getting used to waiting (sort of). Can't help feeling that I should be doing something...and memaw (my mom) definately thinks something should be going on. We have been having tests and stuff going on every week since diagnosis but it seems like everyone else has their surgery within weeks of diagnosis. I guess it's a good thing I've waited because I was certain I just wanted a mastectomy to get this thing out of my body. Now I think I'm ok with a lumpectomy. My surgeon has been in Bangladesh for a month and I'll see her the first week of Dec - hopefully she doesn't decide she thinks a mastectomy would be best...now that I don't want one.

I'm heading to memaws for Thanksgiving. The kids stayed with her all last week and didn't want to come home so I decided to go early. Dave has to work on Thanksgiving and the day after so he'll have to eat when he get's there. Atleast he'll have a good lunch for the next day at work.

I got tired of waiting Wednesday for a phone call on the results so I called the dr. and Sue said they'd call me back before end of day so I wouldn't have to wait all weekend not knowing. Well...after giving up on hearing anything...it's 5:15pm the day before turkey day and FINALLY, I got the call. The cluster that was found, about 4 inches under the cancer is benign.
Yeehaw!!! So we are looking at 1 mass being cancer, it's not deep but appears to be just under skin. Hopefully this can be removed with no problems.

I meet with oncologist on Monday the 26th to see what options are available...he is after all The Cancer Specialist.

Week of Nov 12

Hi Everyone...
Another interesting week here. After meeting with surgeon last week, she wanted to try again for the lymph node biopsy. Ok. We'll go for it. It was scheduled for Tuesday and we left at 9am. At 9:02 am, the radiology department called, apparently to cancel my appointment. Of course, we didn't find this out until we were already checked in and waiting. The radiologist came and talked to Dave and I. He had consulted with another radiologist and they were in agreement that there was nothing unusual with any of my lymph nodes. They disagreed with the findings reported on the MRI. That's great news and I'm thankful for that. My surgeon is on a mission trip so we couldn't talk to her right away. She'll probably have the same reaction I'm having. Had my first radiologist reported that on his write up instead of stating that patient does not want to do it at this time, we may not have had to go through this. I think the first radiologist wrote up his report that way in order to be able to charge us. Since there was some confusion as to what I was there for and my surgeon had not discussed this type of node biopsy with me and when I told the radiologist we were already scheduled for a node biopsy with the surgeon, he said I didn't need to do this one. Great! But that is not what he wrote in his notes. So, I end up there again with 2 radiologist determining I didn't really need it.

Since I was already at the hospital, the radiologist said he'd go ahead a look at nodes with ultrasound...just to be certain. Fine. I asked that he see if he could attempt to locate that 2nd lesion, a cluster of 3 (5-6mm). He said he would. Well, nothing. He didn't see a thing wrong with lymph nodes and couldn't find the cluster. So all is good today.

Friday I had my MRI guided biopsy of the cluster. Not so fun. The noise doesn't bother me. The dye they have to run through does. Once you feel it entering your body, it eventually gets to your head and I can feel it in my neck and throat...that makes me feel a little pukey. The doc numbed everything up really good so I didn't feel a thing, not even the typical "pressure" they always tell you that you'll feel. After the biopsy the doc put a marker at the cluster site so it could be located easily from here on out. I was only there for 2 hours and for the most part, no problems - maybe a little discomfort avoiding rubbing that side or laying on my side. All in all, everything is ok.

Now...we'll wait for results. Let's pray all turns out well...NO MORE CANCER! Then we can just deal with one lesion and get on with the process of getting cured.

Bye for now.

Feelings

I've spent nearly a month now wondering what was going to happen...how sick would I get...how bad would I feel...how ugly would I really be without any hair. And if that wasn't enough, today I read about your fingernails falling out. WHAT??? You can cover a bald head with scarves and hats and wigs but you can't cover black and blue nails that eventually fall off. So if I have to go through chemo for 4 months...that's a long time to be without your hair and nails.

I've been looking at the wig and scarf book (bras and fakies, too!) I am so not prepared for this. I've been psyching myself up for the worst case scenario (mastectomy) but how do you really prepare for it? How do you prepare yourself for being put to sleep only to wake up without a part of your body...be it a breast or a leg or an arm? Do we just put on that strong face when we're around others then go home in the privacy of our own rooms and fall apart. I don't know. I suspect a lot of us do. I suspect I will too.

I received my first get well card today. When I saw who it was from I cried...a card from a family who is preparing for a death. They are continually in my thoughts as I hear of visits by others in our church family. It is such a testimony of her faith in our Creator...the hope in our eternal life with our Lord Jesus. As she prepares for her too soon death...she is constantly showing her concern for others. She shows no pity for herself, only hope. I haven't visited with her personally as I always have the little ones with me and my own struggles now have made me a little more emotional than normal. As I struggle to hold on to life, she has chosen to not seek any further treatment and from all accounts is at peace with that decision. I would hope that I would have that same peace should I ever have to accept it. My prayers are with you J.

Week of Nov 5

This was an interesting week. Monday I was supposed to have a biopsy of a small cluster that appeared on my MRI. The oncologist wanted to see if it was cancer and if so, was it part of the original cancer (meaning it had spread/metasticized). Well, when I was getting prepped in the surgery department, the order called for a bilateral biopsy. After explaining that I was only getting the cluster biopsied and I had already had a bilateral biopsy, the nurses needed to get clarification from surgeon. My surgeon sent over pathology reports and yep...biopsy on right side only. You would hope this would be the only mix-up. Nope.

When I got into the ultrasound area, the technician began u/s of the original lump so I had to inform her that that lump had already been biopsied. She said, no, that was the left side. I told her, "No, both sides have already been biopsied...you are looking for a cluster that showed up on MRI." She looked over paperwork. The radiologist came in and he looked over everything. The tech continued to get pictures of the original lump...never looking for the cluster. I tried to tell them where it was but they said no. The oncologist was able to feel the cluster, even had me to try to feel and though I couldn't feel them, I could have guided the tech as to where to look. Well, the radiologist called the surgeon and they decided to get some cells of the nodes. I'd never even heard anyone mention that before. The surgeon and I had not talked since the MRI. I already had a sentinel node biopsy scheduled for the first of December. When I told radiologist that, he said ok, then we don't need to do the aspiration. Fine. So four hours later, nothing new. They scheduled me for the MRI guided biopsy (looking for the cluster.)

Thursday I met with the surgeon before she leaves for a month. We went over details and she explained that she does want an aspiration of the nodes. So back to the radiologist again. I don't understand...a lot of detailed information that I just wasn't grasping. But I'll go. So next week we'll have a node aspiration and an MRI guided biopsy. YEA!

1st Meeting with Oncologist

Well I had my first meeting with the oncologist this past Monday (10/29/07). The preliminary MRI results were just coming in so he was getting the news as I was getting the news. There appears to be a small cluster of something on the right side. We will have to get those biopsied now to see if they are part of the orginal cancer (metasticized) or if it's a new and different cancer. The lump already determined to be cancer is Estrogen/Progesterone Positive and Her2 Negative. Basically it is due to hormones and so far as anyone knows at this time...nothing that I did or didn't do. It is suppose to have the best outcome in terms of survival so that is good news. Also there are "several enlarged lymph nodes" that will have to be biopsied. I don't think that holds up the treatment though, they just need to know how many are involved.

We talked for 45 min or so and never felt rushed. He answered all of our questions and was very positive about things. We found out that he and my surgeon are both Christians and his family even homeschooled their children...a big plus for us since he would definately understand our faith and needs.

So here we are again...waiting. I'll have an ultrasound guided biopsy on the cluster on Monday Nov 5. It'll take approx 3-4 hours. The three little things that make up the cluster will have a titanium marker attached so they will always know just where they were - in case they just happen to disappear during treatment. The results should be back by Thursday but here's a catch...my surgeon leaves for a mission trip on Friday. Depending on the results and what the oncologist recommends we may have to wait until Dec 3 for the lumpectomy. If my oncologist says no to waiting a month, then one of the other surgeons in the office will perform surgery and we'll start chemo within a couple weeks. At this first consultation, the oncologist believes I'll need 4 months of chemo followed by radiation (I don't even remember how long he said.)

I'm feeling really good about my team of doctors. I could not have been more excited when I left...just knowing that my team has a relationship with God.

The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear it if the spirit is crushed?
Proverbs 18:14