Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I love Christmas...the hustle and bustle, the music, the children, the food and gifts...but mostly I love Jesus and am thrilled to celebrate Him.

Lord, help me to keep my focus on you, each and every day.

Happy Birthday Mom

Hi Mom
Hope you have a great birthday. Sorry we can't be there. If we come now, kids may not let us come home by Christmas.

Post Op

Last week I had my first surgery (Dec 10). It was like 4 operations in 1 and took a little longer than they thought. Recovery has been a little slow and I still don't feel "normal" whatever that is. The removed to lumps from the right breast, which is ok because originally the surgeon said she would not take 2 lumps from the same breast as it would be very distorted; she would do a mastectomy. Since the second mass was so small (3 little BB's) she opted to just remove the cluster and the original lump. They also biopsied some of my draining lymph nodes to see if the cancer had spread through the lymphatic system. It had not - PRAISE GOD!

I had the port installed. It's a small round button-like thing with a silicone top, about the size of a quarter. It has a long tube about 8 inches long and the tube is attached to a vein...which apparently the left side of your chest, just under the bone is the larger vein. This entire thing is under the skin and is used to receive chemo. I could have gone without but then they would have to put an IV in every time and I have tiny veins. It took 5 sticks to get a vein on surgery day - NOT a good thing. After the 5 sticks I was glad I had made the decision to get in put in. The first incision for the port, something went wrong and the surgeon had to make another so I have 2 ugly incisions on the left side of my chest and 2 incisions on the right side (the right side are much longer - about 7 inches total.)

So what does all this mean for me? Well, I have had several biopsies now, 3 lumps and several lymph nodes. Only 1 lump is cancer and has been removed from my body with clean margins. That means they got it all! No little cancer fingers reaching outside...no second surgery to remove more mass. Everything else has been non-cancerous!!! That is such a wonderful thing.
All of this will help the oncologist to stage me. I think I may come away with this being a stage one - possibly a stage two just because of the size of the cancer.

I am scheduled to start chemo Jan 7 and have some concerns to go over with oncologist. I have just scheduled a consultation with him to discuss a new test - oncotype - which will measure my odds of recurrence and I may be a candidate to avoid chemo. So that's where I'm at today.
We shall see where this leads. God bless you all. Thank you for your prayers...God listens.

Trying to get ready for the big day...

This week has seemed really busy. Since I'm not one to get out much...usually...this week has just drained me. Tuesday I had to take Kristi to her dr. appt. She is almost to the 6 month mark of not having any seizures so she is getting ready to start driving again. As the mom, I'm not so thrilled but I know she's ready. I'm sure I'll be thankful when my treatments start that she can drive over here when I need something. She also got to meet my surgeon and oncologist Tuesday.

This was my first meeting with surgeon since some of the test came back (since she was out of the country.) She was not convinced about the MRI-guided biopsy being benign and neither was oncologist. Surgeon will attempt to remove it along with the cancer during the lumpectomy Monday, then she can biopsy it and get a true result. They will also be checking the draining lymph nodes to see if any cancer there. If so, they'll remove all my nodes under the arm and test each one. Let's pray that doesn't happen. I'll get my port installed during the surgery Monday also. I went for an iron IV drip today at the chemo center and saw all the men and women with their ports. Even though they each said it hurt (stick of the needle) I think it's better than trying to find veins to run the IV each time. It was kind of weird in there today. I was probably the youngest person in the room, except for the nurses. I was by myself, most had someone with them but I didn't want someone waiting for me for the SIX hours I was there. I also didn't know I was gonna get benadryl in case of an allergic reaction so I was a little tired and a little loopy...started driving and thought maybe I better get something to eat and sit a few minutes...so I did.

One older lady in the chemo room, she was halfway done with treatments...she was hard of hearing so she'd talk somewhat loudly to her daughter. After she showed me her port she began to talk to the nurse, asking if this was my first time and telling her daughter I must be so scared. I didn't think I was but began to wonder...

Well, Monday is the big day. The surgery is out patient so I'll be there most of the day but back home that evening. Not sure when I'll be back online to update but will try to get back here quickly. Take care everyone. Love you all.

I just want to thank my church family for being there for me, for being concerned and for praying for me. When it seems there's nothing that can be done...pray. It has really annoyed my mom that I haven't started any treatment plan yet though it's really been barely a month since the actual diagnosis (Oct 23). With my surgeon out of the country, there has been plenty of test being done to use up the time. Maybe that's why it appears that many people have a lumpectomy pretty quickly. It's something. Even though the dr's haven't done all the test, they have taken out a lump of cancer so maybe it just makes everyone feel better.

Next week is my week. Meetings with oncologist and surgeon...ironing out what's going to happen and when.

Christmas is in 3 weeks and I haven't even begun to shop...well, I take that back. I have bought my daughter and son-in-laws gifts. Not much...can't afford it. Was suppose to go shopping last night. Church had a parent's night out, 4 hrs that parents could leave the kids while they got shopping done. I dropped the kids off and came home...waited for husband...no show. He warned me (Bible study)...I warned him. But it didn't matter. Guess I'll do all the shopping by myself while he watches the kids. Hope he doesn't expect anything. Not feeling so giving or forgiving right now. I'm tired of being at the bottom of his priority list. Don't think God intended it to be that way but I can't argue it anymore. I have to focus on me even if he doesn't.

Today was good. Being in the house of the Lord is so refreshing. Takes me away from all of the other garbage in my life. I hope I can continue to go while going through all of this. I want to keep doing the things I've been involved in. I did have to let children's church go though. I was concerned about wintry colds. Parent's don't keep sick kids home anymore and I feel like I just need to limit that exposure. I wanted to keep on. I wanted the kids to understand and not be afraid.

Not a Happy Day

I have not had a good day at all today. Seems like I am on course for everything around me to fall apart. I have yet to give family and friends this website and now I'm glad. What I want to say here I can't even talk to people about so maybe this will just be my own little get-away place where I can say and vent as I please without worrying about offending someone or without people getting tired of my venting.

Anyway, my temper has been less than ideal today. I homeschool my two kids (ages 6 & 8) so we've been couped up in the house all day while I try to get everything organized and put away. I am trying to be productive so I don't have to worry about things when I have surgery and begin chemo. I moved all the kids clothes and one of their dressers to my room so I wouldn't have to go upstairs to put their stuff away. I don't like taking the stuff up there when I feel good much less when I feel bad. Today, Katie spilled an entire glass of tea, tripped over all their junk in the middle of the living room floor, went all over the tv, table, videos, cds...everywhere. She tried to clean it up herself and of course there were missed spots but I was just not happy when I stepped in it then saw it all over the place. So in my anger over other crappy feelings, I yelled and screamed way too much. I need to keep my misplaced anger in check - with the one who really ticks me off.

I don't know why I had to be the lucky one to get this stupid disease when the family is already on shaky ground, when finances just stink and you're living paycheck to paycheck...I just don't see how this could ever work out good. I have a great big God and I know He can work everything out, I just hope I have the patience to wait on Him to work it out. I know this could end up being a great testimony to His goodness and faithfulness but what happens in the mean time...it's anyone's guess. I sure can't go anywhere else...I been working from home (minimally) and homeschooling the kids so I don't have work history for awhile and I sure don't want to put the kids in public school. How do you work harder to try to get a business going when you hate where you're at...when you're certain you are going to be feeling less than enthusiastic about anything? I know...I know...it's a pity party...but it's my blog and my pity party so I say it's ok.

Will write more later. I'm done venting (for now.)

Isaiah 40:28-31 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I met with oncologist Monday. We basically just tossed back and forth what to do first...chemo or surgery? It boiled down to him deciding that if he was completely convinced that the biopsy of the tiny cluster was in fact not cancer...if he were certain that they actually got a piece of the correct tissue, he would go ahead and start chemo "today." So really, he's not convinced and rightfully so. It is a tiny little cluster and if we start chemo and it begins to shrink then we'd realize that we didn't have all the right answers going in and he wants to be certain that everything has been tested and he knows for sure what's cancer and what's not. It's understandable.

Had my lab work done today also to check my anemia. Chemo will make you anemic so they want to get that under control before getting started, too. Will be back to see oncologist again next Tues...along with surgeon so all the details can get worked out. Surgeon's office penciled in surgery for Friday, Dec 7 or Monday, Dec 10, depending on what surgeon wants (due back from Bangladesh Saturday, Dec. 1 after a month of missionary work.)

Dave (my husband)...he thinks I'm already healed. Though I appreciate his faith...what does that mean? Don't do chemo? Just believe it's gone and never go back to the doctor? I too believe that I will be a survivor but God does allow us to go through trials, lest what would be our testimony of Him and His greatness...the hope in Him...hope everlasting.

Psalm 10:17

You hear, O LORD , the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them,

and you listen to their cry.

Week of Nov 19

It's Thanksgiving week - HAPPY TURKEY DAY to everyone!

I had my MRI guided biopsy of the cluster on Nov 16 so the results are due back this week. I'm getting used to waiting (sort of). Can't help feeling that I should be doing something...and memaw (my mom) definately thinks something should be going on. We have been having tests and stuff going on every week since diagnosis but it seems like everyone else has their surgery within weeks of diagnosis. I guess it's a good thing I've waited because I was certain I just wanted a mastectomy to get this thing out of my body. Now I think I'm ok with a lumpectomy. My surgeon has been in Bangladesh for a month and I'll see her the first week of Dec - hopefully she doesn't decide she thinks a mastectomy would be best...now that I don't want one.

I'm heading to memaws for Thanksgiving. The kids stayed with her all last week and didn't want to come home so I decided to go early. Dave has to work on Thanksgiving and the day after so he'll have to eat when he get's there. Atleast he'll have a good lunch for the next day at work.

I got tired of waiting Wednesday for a phone call on the results so I called the dr. and Sue said they'd call me back before end of day so I wouldn't have to wait all weekend not knowing. Well...after giving up on hearing anything...it's 5:15pm the day before turkey day and FINALLY, I got the call. The cluster that was found, about 4 inches under the cancer is benign.
Yeehaw!!! So we are looking at 1 mass being cancer, it's not deep but appears to be just under skin. Hopefully this can be removed with no problems.

I meet with oncologist on Monday the 26th to see what options are available...he is after all The Cancer Specialist.

Week of Nov 12

Hi Everyone...
Another interesting week here. After meeting with surgeon last week, she wanted to try again for the lymph node biopsy. Ok. We'll go for it. It was scheduled for Tuesday and we left at 9am. At 9:02 am, the radiology department called, apparently to cancel my appointment. Of course, we didn't find this out until we were already checked in and waiting. The radiologist came and talked to Dave and I. He had consulted with another radiologist and they were in agreement that there was nothing unusual with any of my lymph nodes. They disagreed with the findings reported on the MRI. That's great news and I'm thankful for that. My surgeon is on a mission trip so we couldn't talk to her right away. She'll probably have the same reaction I'm having. Had my first radiologist reported that on his write up instead of stating that patient does not want to do it at this time, we may not have had to go through this. I think the first radiologist wrote up his report that way in order to be able to charge us. Since there was some confusion as to what I was there for and my surgeon had not discussed this type of node biopsy with me and when I told the radiologist we were already scheduled for a node biopsy with the surgeon, he said I didn't need to do this one. Great! But that is not what he wrote in his notes. So, I end up there again with 2 radiologist determining I didn't really need it.

Since I was already at the hospital, the radiologist said he'd go ahead a look at nodes with ultrasound...just to be certain. Fine. I asked that he see if he could attempt to locate that 2nd lesion, a cluster of 3 (5-6mm). He said he would. Well, nothing. He didn't see a thing wrong with lymph nodes and couldn't find the cluster. So all is good today.

Friday I had my MRI guided biopsy of the cluster. Not so fun. The noise doesn't bother me. The dye they have to run through does. Once you feel it entering your body, it eventually gets to your head and I can feel it in my neck and throat...that makes me feel a little pukey. The doc numbed everything up really good so I didn't feel a thing, not even the typical "pressure" they always tell you that you'll feel. After the biopsy the doc put a marker at the cluster site so it could be located easily from here on out. I was only there for 2 hours and for the most part, no problems - maybe a little discomfort avoiding rubbing that side or laying on my side. All in all, everything is ok.

Now...we'll wait for results. Let's pray all turns out well...NO MORE CANCER! Then we can just deal with one lesion and get on with the process of getting cured.

Bye for now.

Feelings

I've spent nearly a month now wondering what was going to happen...how sick would I get...how bad would I feel...how ugly would I really be without any hair. And if that wasn't enough, today I read about your fingernails falling out. WHAT??? You can cover a bald head with scarves and hats and wigs but you can't cover black and blue nails that eventually fall off. So if I have to go through chemo for 4 months...that's a long time to be without your hair and nails.

I've been looking at the wig and scarf book (bras and fakies, too!) I am so not prepared for this. I've been psyching myself up for the worst case scenario (mastectomy) but how do you really prepare for it? How do you prepare yourself for being put to sleep only to wake up without a part of your body...be it a breast or a leg or an arm? Do we just put on that strong face when we're around others then go home in the privacy of our own rooms and fall apart. I don't know. I suspect a lot of us do. I suspect I will too.

I received my first get well card today. When I saw who it was from I cried...a card from a family who is preparing for a death. They are continually in my thoughts as I hear of visits by others in our church family. It is such a testimony of her faith in our Creator...the hope in our eternal life with our Lord Jesus. As she prepares for her too soon death...she is constantly showing her concern for others. She shows no pity for herself, only hope. I haven't visited with her personally as I always have the little ones with me and my own struggles now have made me a little more emotional than normal. As I struggle to hold on to life, she has chosen to not seek any further treatment and from all accounts is at peace with that decision. I would hope that I would have that same peace should I ever have to accept it. My prayers are with you J.

Week of Nov 5

This was an interesting week. Monday I was supposed to have a biopsy of a small cluster that appeared on my MRI. The oncologist wanted to see if it was cancer and if so, was it part of the original cancer (meaning it had spread/metasticized). Well, when I was getting prepped in the surgery department, the order called for a bilateral biopsy. After explaining that I was only getting the cluster biopsied and I had already had a bilateral biopsy, the nurses needed to get clarification from surgeon. My surgeon sent over pathology reports and yep...biopsy on right side only. You would hope this would be the only mix-up. Nope.

When I got into the ultrasound area, the technician began u/s of the original lump so I had to inform her that that lump had already been biopsied. She said, no, that was the left side. I told her, "No, both sides have already been biopsied...you are looking for a cluster that showed up on MRI." She looked over paperwork. The radiologist came in and he looked over everything. The tech continued to get pictures of the original lump...never looking for the cluster. I tried to tell them where it was but they said no. The oncologist was able to feel the cluster, even had me to try to feel and though I couldn't feel them, I could have guided the tech as to where to look. Well, the radiologist called the surgeon and they decided to get some cells of the nodes. I'd never even heard anyone mention that before. The surgeon and I had not talked since the MRI. I already had a sentinel node biopsy scheduled for the first of December. When I told radiologist that, he said ok, then we don't need to do the aspiration. Fine. So four hours later, nothing new. They scheduled me for the MRI guided biopsy (looking for the cluster.)

Thursday I met with the surgeon before she leaves for a month. We went over details and she explained that she does want an aspiration of the nodes. So back to the radiologist again. I don't understand...a lot of detailed information that I just wasn't grasping. But I'll go. So next week we'll have a node aspiration and an MRI guided biopsy. YEA!

1st Meeting with Oncologist

Well I had my first meeting with the oncologist this past Monday (10/29/07). The preliminary MRI results were just coming in so he was getting the news as I was getting the news. There appears to be a small cluster of something on the right side. We will have to get those biopsied now to see if they are part of the orginal cancer (metasticized) or if it's a new and different cancer. The lump already determined to be cancer is Estrogen/Progesterone Positive and Her2 Negative. Basically it is due to hormones and so far as anyone knows at this time...nothing that I did or didn't do. It is suppose to have the best outcome in terms of survival so that is good news. Also there are "several enlarged lymph nodes" that will have to be biopsied. I don't think that holds up the treatment though, they just need to know how many are involved.

We talked for 45 min or so and never felt rushed. He answered all of our questions and was very positive about things. We found out that he and my surgeon are both Christians and his family even homeschooled their children...a big plus for us since he would definately understand our faith and needs.

So here we are again...waiting. I'll have an ultrasound guided biopsy on the cluster on Monday Nov 5. It'll take approx 3-4 hours. The three little things that make up the cluster will have a titanium marker attached so they will always know just where they were - in case they just happen to disappear during treatment. The results should be back by Thursday but here's a catch...my surgeon leaves for a mission trip on Friday. Depending on the results and what the oncologist recommends we may have to wait until Dec 3 for the lumpectomy. If my oncologist says no to waiting a month, then one of the other surgeons in the office will perform surgery and we'll start chemo within a couple weeks. At this first consultation, the oncologist believes I'll need 4 months of chemo followed by radiation (I don't even remember how long he said.)

I'm feeling really good about my team of doctors. I could not have been more excited when I left...just knowing that my team has a relationship with God.

The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear it if the spirit is crushed?
Proverbs 18:14

Week of October 22, 2007

Well, this has been a most interesting week...last couple of weeks actually.

First, let me tell you why I've decided to be so public about this upcoming battle. I know that when there is a crisis, facts can get a little twisted. I began writing everything down from my very first doctor visit because I didn't want to forget the facts and everything that was being told to me. I asked Dave to read my notes to make sure that I had them right and to see if I was missing anything. I thought by creating this blog I would be able to communicate better with everyone about what was going on...I know sometimes people don't want to ask personal questions and sometimes they just don't know what to say or do. Also, because we have extended family members we may not be able to call everyone and we also don't want to forget to let family and friends know the latest information. I thought this would be the best way to communicate with everyone. Please know...THIS IS NOT MEANT TO REPLACE MY TALKING TO ANYONE OR IN ORDER TO AVOID ANYONE.

That all being said:
Right now all we know for sure is that there is a diagnosis for breast cancer. We know that one lump is benign and one lump is malignant (cancer). We know how big they are. That is all we know for certain. What we don't know is if it has advanced to lymph nodes (MRI was done Tues and results should be available before my first appointment with the oncologist.) We don't know what stage it is (will know after oncologist visit.) We don't know what treatment will be or what options I will have (will know options after oncologist visit.)

What everyone should know:
Though I will rely on a team of medical doctors, I trust my Lord and Savior to walk with me through this valley. We have never been guaranteed a life free from pain and heartache, however He has guaranteed our salvation. I trust that the battle is won though I don't look forward to the valley I have to walk through for a little while before reaching the moutain top. I covet your prayers for me and my family. We have told the two little ones but they don't understand what effects cancer will have on our family. I suppose they will soon.