I Should Read My Blog More Often

It's been 9 months since I've come back to my blog. I suppose that's good and bad. Good means that I haven't had a lot of things to report on the cancer front. Bad because I hadn't realized that the side effects of the shots had been so prevalent since the very beginning. They seem to have gotten progressively worse. We went to Chicago and Wi in May and on the last day I was barely able to get out of bed...terrible headache and very dizzy. I so did not want to make the 13 hr trip home. When we got home, I was ok but a little "woozy". Then a week or so after I was so tired and so dizzy that I went to the ER. I had just started an antibiotic for a uti and thought it was the cause but the ER doc said it was vertigo. Who knows for sure. I don't think they look at patients as a whole and only look to diagnose one part of a whole problem. Gotta love doctors.

I saw my oncologist 2 wks ago and we decided not to have the shot again. It did was it was suppose to to...to stop my cycles so that there was no estrogen for the cancer to attach to (for lack of better word.) So far, so good. I am worried about my cycle coming back...9 months without is pretty nice :)

Prayerfully, all is well. I just keep trusting that Jesus has made me whole. I don't dwell on the cancer. I honestly don't think about it much. Of course it's always in the back of my mind but I think satan just wants me to be down in the valley instead of on top of the mountain. I choose Jesus and the mountain.

About the "New Treatment"

Ok...so I had my shot of Lupron-3 month back on Oct 12...so that's about 3 weeks. I have had headaches, HOT FLASHES, vertigo. I started keeping track to go over with my onci (oncologist). I guess that's the bad thing about getting a 3-month shot, you can have side effects but you can't stop taking the meds because they're already there. I've always hated taking pills and don't do well when I have to take something every day so I thought the shot would be good. Of course, being able to stop taking something because I'm uncomfortable may not be so good either so what's a woman to do?

On a good note...my one and only grandbaby Alivia will be turning 1 at the end of this month. What a blessing she is.

NEW TREATMENT...

Went for my 3 month follow up today. All is good. Time for my annual mammogram...yippeeee. I love my oncologist. I am so thankful for him, his attitude, his understanding...and being a Christian is best! His nurse is great too. We really have fun when I go in now. Though when I left today, another lady must have just found out that she had cancer or that it had returned. We were on the elevator together and she barely made it to a seat when we got off. Her 16 yr. old son was helping as best a 16 yr old boy can. I probably should have gone back upstairs and gotten one of the doctors.

For me...a new treatment. I couldn't get it at my last appt since my insurance money ran out but I changed policy types and hope that I can receive what I need when I need it. This treatment is a shot, given every month or every 3 months ( I got the 3 month shot. ) My cancer liked estrogen so this shot inhibits it or keeps the cancer from feeding on it or something like that. Cancer is a little hard to understand so you have to trust your doctor and know that when he/she prescribes something and they literally draw you a picture that they truly know what they're doing - even if you don't. The shot may eliminate my cycles so may bring on the hot flashes - my poor family! Guess we will save on heating this winter :)

I'll have my annual mammogram next month. Trusting that Jesus will have His hand of protection over me and keep this dreadful disease away from me.

Katie just had her 11th birthday. WOW. Doesn't seem like it's been that long. The kids were only 7 & 8 when I found out and it truly is a distant memory for them. They always welcome pink ribbons - wanting to buy them, wanting to donate, wanting to buy me everything that has one. Little David actually got mad when I passed a bucket at Walmart without throwing in some money. They talk about cancer but don't really remember all of the appointments, tests and treatments...that's a good thing.

Love to all my friends and family.
Thank you for your encouragment and love.

LADIES...REMEMBER....GET YOUR MAMMOGRAMS!!!!

Another Doc Appt...A New Treatment

I had another doctor appt. scheduled for this week but had to cancel it. Our insurance is really stinky. More of a savings account and when the money runs out, the money runs out...you wait for the "new year" (which will be in Sept.) At my last appt with the oncologist he wanted to try a new treatment...a shot that last for 30 days or a 3 dose shot that lasts for 90 days. Wasn't enough insurance to get it then so we'll revisit that at my next appt.

2 Years & Counting

Wow! I can't believe I haven't posted here in over a year. It's been nearly 2 yrs since I finished all of my treatments. I continue to see my oncologist every 3-4 months...appointment coming up next week. All has been going good. I still feel tired and I get antsy at the smallest things (you know, get a headache and your mind automatically wanders into the what if it's brain cancer.) I did have a little scare with some massive headaches one night. They were so bad that I was hyperventilating and when to ER. A ct was done and I was found to have a brain but no cancer :)

For the most part, I do think about it but I don't dwell on it and my conversations don't always center around it. I don't participate in a lot of cancer stuff...just preferring to serve the Lord and focusing on Him. I hope one day that I can get into helping other cancer patients but I needed time away from it after having it meet me at every corner for a year and a half. I think when it's in your face for so long you just want to get back to normal.

If you've read my blog, you know that my mom was diagnosed as well...she is also doing good. She did not have to go through the chemo so that was a good thing. She needed a little pushing to go through with things but all in all, after the normal reactions of being scared, denial, etc., she came around and went through her radiation treatments like a trooper.

I will leave the blog up just in case someone finds it during their own path down this terrible road. I am hopeful that it helps others understand their choices and feelings a little better and know that they are not alone in this fight. I hope it is an encouragement.

For those who sent comments here, I apologize for never responding. They were quite old when I saw them as I didn't check the site very often.

Love to all
-Kelli

Mom...another surgery

Mom got her results back from her doctor (actually pathologist) and while she had clean margins the doctor saw some more spots that he wants to remove. He said it would be about 20 minutes, he wouldn't have to "put her under" so that's comforting. Mom is taking it well. I think she's very comfortable with all this now though at the beginning I didn't think she was going to. She was so depressed...more than I was. And while I cried each time I thought about it the first few weeks and when I was finally able to say the words "I have breast cancer"...then...I was better. I just made up my mind to live. I don't know how many days, months or years I have in this life, only God does. All I know is that every day that I get to live, I choose to have it be a good one. Anyway...I digress...mom is doing good. Her surgery will be in 2 weeks.

I've talked to everyone I need to talk to now about the genetic testing and I think it's a done deal...we will NOT be having the test. Everyone understands my position and we're all in agreement that having the test confirm a mutated gene does not give you any more information...you don't know IF you'll get it, WHEN you'll get it or anything else. What you will do is have mammograms starting at 25 yrs of age. Ok so Kristi, Keyla and later Katie will begin having mammograms at 25. If their insurance doesn't cover it...then they will pay the 250-300 dollars to get one every year. It's a small price to pay to ensure that WE CAN ALL still get insurance. The test tells us to be more vigilant...well, we can do that on our own. In fact, we should be accountable to our bodies and we should take care of them. For a long time now, women have wanted complete control of their bodies, well, by golly then lets take care of them...lets be responsible and we can be vigilant along with our doctors to make sure that we are taken care of. And if anyone has a doctor that doesn't want to see or ensure our well being and if they brush off our determination...then it's time to find a new doctor.

God Bless

IT'S BEEN A WHILE...

Yep...it's been a while since I posted here. There came a point where I just didn't want this blog...or this cancer...to control me so I took some time off and really just forgot about it. No one probably read it much anyway. That's ok. That's what it was about. It was a place for me to write, to vent, to just dig into what I was feeling and not feeling bad about talking about it. You get to a point where you feel like you don't want to mention it because everyone around you are tired of hearing about it. People ask how you feel and do they really want to know that you're still tired and did they really want to know anything else? Who knows. So that's why I quit posting.

AND THEN...

At the end of December, my mom was diagnosed. UGGGGHHHHHH! So that is my grandmother, my mother and me. Who will be next? Diagnosis came at different points in our lives. My granmother was in her early 70's, mom in her early 60's and me in my early 40's. I'm thinking it was 72, 62 and 42. I really didn't want to deal with it again and mom was really driving herself crazy. She was extremely depressed about it and threatened not to have treatments. I think a lot had to do with getting the right doctors...ones' who talked to you, explained things to you, gave you hope. Unfortunately, her first surgeon didn't want to discuss the what if's, the what's next; she just wanted to tell us what was going on that day and then expected mom to leave and go about her daily business as usual. Well, I'm sorry to say, IT AIN'T LIKE THAT!

I was not happy from the getgo. I went to appointments with mom. I took notes. I asked questions...things that I knew mom wouldn't ask because she was so depressed that I knew she wasn't even trying to educate herself on breast cancer. Her first dr. pretty much just dismissed our notes, our questions...even went so far as to tell my sister that she didn't need the notebook, that everything she needed to know was "in here" and handed her a book on all the different types of breast cancer and options. My notebook kept me from having multiple procedures. It helped me to remember what the doctor said. It helped me to recall the details of what I had done. It gave me a place to list my questions for the next appointment so I wouldn't forget them as it is quite overwhelming. I took my book everywhere...even having it on my bed during procedures so I could prove a pathology report or hand a document with results on it to another specialist. It helped me have control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation.

So...

Mom has breast cancer. At the time of this writing...the lumpectomy has been done and we are hopeful that her pathology report comes back with clean margins. She had the surgery on Friday and was up cooking biscuits and gravy at 3am the next morning. Now don't get all excited. She was just still under the influence of the hospital drugs because she spent the next 5 days in a fog, barely able to walk from her room. It was so bad that I was beginning to think that she was taking her pain meds too close together and removed everything from her bedroom. I would dispense them now. It was later discovered that she was taking sleeping pills in addition to others and well...suffice it to say...she was just a loon. But I love her.

She had her post op check-up yesterday (6 days after surgery) and all looked good. The doc said she was really swollen but mom failed to tell him that she was up at 3am (yes...3am again) plunging the tubs and toilets. We've had a lot of much needed rain and things were beginning to get a little backed up. She didn't tell him that.

But...there seems to always be a "but" when talking about mom...when we were standing in Penni's office (she works next door to the surgeon), Penni noticed that one eye was dialated - only one and it barely responded to light. One of the doc's in Penni's office walked us back to the surgeon and they both took a look at her and recommended going to the ER. They were concerned since mom was in bed for 5-6 days that a clot could form and that could result in a stroke. But God is good...He's a good and merciful God. It turned out to be a patch that was put behind her ear after surgery to guard against nausea. She should have taken it off after 3 days but it stayed for 6. She had just taken it off the night before. So thank God, all is well.

We stayed with mom from Sun till Fri and have just come home today. Though it's nice to visit...I think we can all agree...THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.

I'll come back and post and let you know how mom's doing.

As for me...I still tire if I try to do a lot. Of course...could be that I'm 50lbs overweight!!! I have my 3 month check up this month. Will write more as I'm in the beginning stages of researching the BRCA-1 and BRCA-2 test, a genetic test to determine if our family is carrying a mutated gene.

As always...love you all.
God Bless you all
Remember...Jesus died for me...He died for you too. He loves you and He can change your circumstances. Seek His face. Read His word.

Almost Normal

I met with my surgeon yesterday to discuss my mammogram 2 weeks ago. There is some "stuff" on there that is probably scar tissue from the surgery and radiation damage. Nothing major...it is what it is. I will have another mammogram so that these images become my new baseline...my new normal...and from those new normal images, all other images will be compared.

I had my port removed...HUGE STEP!

I'm in a little pain. After the lidocaine wore off yesterday, it really began to hurt. The surgeon had done the surgery in office, just numbing the area. She asked if I wanted pain meds but I hate the way they make me feel so I said no. Why is it that after the office closes you always wish you had taken the prescription...just in case. I took some tylenol and ibuprofen. Helped a little but the jabbing and stinging pain would shoot right through. My bandages are bloody and I don't know if that is normal or not. I'm not suppose to remove the bandages for 2 days but it seems that I should change it to a clean one. I think I will anyway.

So there it is. It feels like I've reached the pinnacle and that I'm on my way to getting back to living. No more monthly appointments to flush the port. No more sticks in order to flush. The thoughts may always be lurking in the back of my mind but they won't consume me daily...waiting for the next appointment. Yea, I'll have appointment every three months but I won't be checking that calendar weekly to see when the next one is...I'll know that it's a month or two away and won't have to worry about it.

Now...if I can my energy back. I still tire easily. I want to nap daily. I don't feel like being out and about all day. Going to the store...well, one is enough. I can't wait to feel energized again. Of course...I am 43 so maybe I won't :)

Remember...
Jesus loves you and so do I

1 Year and Counting

Well, I've hit the one year mark last month. It's hard to believe that a year ago this time I was going through all the tests and the emotional stuff that comes along with a cancer diagnosis. For the past few months I've just been living my life as normal as I can. I didn't start the tamoxifen when I was suppose to (I have now...about a month ago) and really I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. I'm not good at taking medicine or taking pills every day and truthfully I just didn't think I would be able to do it. I have since put my pills in the little weekly pill organizer and that has been a great help. So far I haven't had any side effects from the pills...that's a good thing.

I've been having some headaches pretty frequently for a month so I don't think that can be blamed on the meds...that's my only concern right now. They are not consistent, not on the same side of the head, nothing that I can really point to...maybe anemia again. I was having a terrible time with that prior to the cancer thing and it wasn't until after diagnosis that my oncologist gave me a nice boost through my iv. No problems since. But then, with all the treatment...my cycles went away and since coming back are really out of whack...so I'm thinking the anemia is a possibility.

I went for my 1 yr. mammogram this past week. I didn't hear anything back from anyone so I assume all is well. Last year, the radiologist had my doctor on the phone and I was called within 2 hours of leaving the office. The radiologist did take extra images and measurements of the other lump that was determined to be benign last year. Benign tumors are not suppose to become malignant so I'm guessing they just want to be certain that if anything weird starts happening they'll be on top of it. I guess that we can't always be certain that the dr got a piece of the tumor for testing so it's a good thing to watch it. I'm confident that it is benign. So long as it's not painful (only when pushed on) and it doesn't start growing wildly, we'll just leave it alone.

I meet with my surgeon next Monday (Nov 17) to get my port removed. I'll be so glad to have this protrusion off my chest bone. Just one more thing to not remind me of this past year.

It's funny because you see so many people who "take up the cause" and they are out there working for a cure, getting the word out, participating in any and every event and I just want to get on with living. I don't want to think about cancer every day. I don't want to worry about it coming back every day. I do want a cure - obviously - but I think I just want this year to be about living without all the tests, treatments, worry, etc. I'm so thankful for those who want to fight this with all they have...right from the beginning and never stopping. I kind of feel guilty. I don't want to feel that way. But I do. My kids had to do without so much last year. I tried to keep everything as normal as possible and right now I'm tired. I get tired really easily and can't keep up with everyone else right now. I don't know if this is because I kept trying to do it all. I don't know. I feel like I'm starting a pity party so I'll just quit now. Will post more when the ports out, when the headaches go away...when I'm up for it a little more. Right now...I'm gonna go take a nap. See you guys later.

Doctor Appt

I had a doctor appt with my oncologist Monday. All is fine. October 12 will be when I have my one-year mammogram...it's hard to believe that it's been a year ago since this all began. After I have the mammogram and get the "all clear" I can have the port-a-cath removed (then it doesn't look like I have bottle cap underneath the skin on my chest...yuck. And thankfully, it's a procedure that can be done right in the office of my surgeon. I know from last years appt's that she goes to Indonesia for the month of November so I'm hopeful that we can get it removed before then.

We discussed the tamoxifen. I never started taking it. After researching all the side effects I wasn't comfortable exchanging one cancer for the potential for several others, stroke, blood clots, etc. After reviewing my pathology report, my doctor said that my cancer was "highly" hormonal (3+), on both estrogen and progesterone. The tamoxifen doesn't stop me from producing estrogen but rather acts a blocker that won't allow the estrogen to attach itself to the cells that may be damaged and have the potential to become cancer. So I will rethink taking the tamoxifen...I'm leaning heavly towards taking. BUT...I will begin a new health regimen to try to curb some of the side effects. Plus I need to lose some serious weight so hopefully I can start being healthy again.

I have about 2 inches of hair now. It's fuzzy unless I put gel on it (for the wet look:). If it stays fuzzy, I tease that I'll look like a troll. heeheehee. I wear head bands so it looks a little more feminine...otherwise it looks really boyish...not my style!

Love to you all

Don't forget...Jesus loves you